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Old 06-17-2018, 10:36 AM   #1
Drift
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New Priest

A new priest was so nervous about public speaking at his first mass that he told the Monsignor he was thinking of quitting altogether. The Monsignor said “My son, on Sunday put a bit of vodka in the water jar. When you get nervous, take a sip and it will help you relax.”
Well, the priest did just that. That Sunday he felt great and gave what he thought was the best sermon ever delivered since Jesus himself preached the Sermon on the Mount.
However, upon returning to the rectory,he found the following note on his door from the Monsignor.

A few points to consider for future sermons:
1. I said sip the vodka, not gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the big T.
5. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his disciples as “The late JC and the boys”.
6. The recommended grace before meals is not “Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God”.
7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him.
8. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
9. David was knocked from his donkey by a rock. He was not stoned off his ***.
10. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit should never be called “Big daddy, junior, and the spook.”
11. Jesus said “Take this and eat it, for this is my body”, not “Eat me.”
12. Last,but certainly not least my son, Next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
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Old 06-17-2018, 01:54 PM   #2
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Old 06-18-2018, 06:15 AM   #3
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Nice!
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Old 06-21-2018, 01:28 AM   #4
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Nearly wet my pants reading these. Thanks for the good laughs. I hope I'm not "judged" for laughing so hard.
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