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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone,

I wanted to inform you guys of some details of what is going on right now (and maybe just vent a bit) and hopefully get some prayers and good vibes sent .…

My wife has gone to Tenn. to be with her Dad. Without going into a bunch of details, he has been sick for a while and apparently has been rapidly declining over the last few months and we haven't known about the severity of his health. Because of work, I was unable to go with her and in all reality, we had no idea how bad it has become.

My wife called me this morning crying and explained to me that it is worse than we feared. Her father is no longer able to really care for himself but he also has so much pride that he wont ask for any help…

SIDE NOTE: For those of you who think that "not putting anyone out" is a good method to take when your health declines, PLEASE reconsider your stance on this. Sitting and watching a loved one die and not being able to do anything to even add comfort to the person you love is more of a burden than any meal cooking, helping into bed, helping you get dressed, etc… Let those that love you help you….Its what we, as loved ones, WANT to do AND it is NO burden!! Don't let your pride hurt those you love like this…PLEASE!!

It seems that he has become so weak that he cannot cut a steak or even button his pants.He wont ask anyone to help him, make him something to eat, get him anything, etc... He is tired all the time, sleeps a lot and apparently has not been out of his house for some time (until last night when Donna took them to dinner). Donna even stated to me today that she feels "These are the last of days" for her dad, and she feels so helpless… I am sad and angry at the same time… I love this guy but man; his pride is definitely going to be the death of him.

Anyway, it's been a rough Holiday season for many people close to us this year with sickness and death… I can honestly say that we have had better Christmas'… This is the first Christmas I have been by myself and the first Christmas Donna and I have not been with each other. I guess I can honestly say that I am ready for the Holidays to be over. So today, make sure you hug someone close to you and let them know how much you appreciate that they are just there with you… Funny the things we take for granted huh?

With that said, can you please keep my wife and her family in your thoughts and prayers?? I can't stand to hear my wife in such pain and not be able to be there with her… Just pulls at my gut so bad…

Thanks everyone. Hope you have a great Christmas…

Peace….Brad
 

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Wow.....Sorry to hear about your situation.....Just be happy for all of the good things that you and your family have and dont take them for granted...prayers sent
 

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God Bless,I have been through a similiar situation and you are right. The people that love you want to help, and it means a lot for them to be there. For all parties involved. My thoughts and Prayers are with you guys.
 

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Brad & Donna,

Hang in there, your doing what you can, and that is all one can do. As hard as it is to see someone you love go, at least you have the opportunity to say good bye and let them know what they mean to you and that you love them. No everyone has that opportunity. Take what ever good you can from the situation and cherish it.

Loosing a loved one is hard, I don't think there is ever anything easy about it. Be thankful you have each other and at least one last opportunity to spend some time with one you love. Give you wife all the support you can as this is obviously going to be harder on her than it is on you.

Be strong and hang in there. I wish you both the best in dealing with your family.

Merry Christmas to all.

I wish you a Merry Christmas, may you continue to be strong and receive peace in your hearts.

OTH..............
 

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Prayers to you and your family. It is the hardest thing to go through and the most helpless feeling in the world- for both you and your wife. Thankfully she is with him now- it will mean so much to her when he is no longer around.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
The people that love you want to help, and it means a lot for them to be there.
I cant remember if I posted a discussion here or somewhere else... The topic was something like...

"If you were dying and you knew it, would you tell your family or would you just keep it to yourself?"

I remember a bunch of responses that stated things like ...

" I wouldnt tell my family because they would worry"

Or

"I wouldnt want to burden anyone with my problems"

or

"No, I would just keep it to myself nothing they can do"

ETC...

After being in this situation now and with my father not too long ago, I sure wish people would understand that those of us that love you, well, we love you...ALL OF you... In sickness and health, through better or worse...Etc... And those are JUST wedding vows...

When my dad was sick, I WANTED to help...I WANTED to be there... There was no other place I wanted to be but by his side and making him comfortable.

I think it is just selfish to hide things like this from your family and keep them in the dark about things like this.

It is simply my opinion though...
 

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My prayers go out for you and your family. You said that he has not been out of the house in a while, that means he hasn't has any sunlight so he's not getting any vitamin D which can cause weakness, sleeping a lot, depression etc. Maybe your wife needs to consult with his doctor about taking a supplement of D. I say this because my wife just went thru this and she was VitaminD diffisiant. won't cure all his prolems but might help. Tell your wife to get on 2cool so she can feel the love and support also in her time of need. Were here with you and her. Keep us posted!
 

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Man, sounds like we are ready for a New Year. Prayers for all of your family and friends. Things will get better Brad. Hang in there.
 

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I don't want to sound mean or anything, but , maybe the old man is just ready to go. I know if I get to the point where I can't do for myself and I get it in my mind that I'm ready, then I'm ready. I have lead a full life and maybe he has too. We're all going to die. No need to prolong it, in a state of misery.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
maybe the old man is just ready to go.
Then say that...Dont blow smoke, tell everyone you are fine and then play it off like nothing is going on...Ya know?

I know if I get to the point where I can't do for myself and I get it in my mind that I'm ready, then I'm ready.
Again, this is great... I am all down for letting people go if they have found peace. But holding on and letting others watch you die slowly is selfish. And even if you are ready, letting someone help you make a sandwich or help you button your pants is NOT a burden!

I have lead a full life and maybe he has too. We're all going to die. No need to prolong it, in a state of misery.
Agreed.... And no reason to let your pride make those who love you miserable.

If your motto is...

"I dont want to be a bother"

Then dont be a bother...Let those that love you, LOVE YOU!!

Me helping someone I love with every day essentials is not a bother. You want to "go out" and do so before you have been "called" then again, tell me, its "no bother"... I get that but dont suffer in such a way that those who love you suffer too...

It really doesnt serve your purpose by being "proud" (which I respect as well... I love this guy, dont have any misconceptions)... Stubboirn pride is not a "good" trait in my opinion...And again, it is simply MY OPINION!
 

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Prayers sent to you, your wife, and your FIL. Some people just will not accept the love we offer. Do the best you can with the situation and try to have a Merry Christmas.
 

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Just remember put yourself in his shoes been able to do whatever whenever you want and now can't. Sounds like your wife is doing the best thing you can for people in this situation. good luck
 

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Father in Law

Don't let your wife be a martyr. Does she have other family members to help her?

I am 76 and know that I won't live forever, but am going to hang around as long as possible if not an invalid. If I become incapacitated, I'd rather have trained professionals tending to me. Family members can visit.

My prayers go out to you and your family in this trying time.

Merry Christmas and hang in there. Not PC, I know; but Jesus loves you. C2
 

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Every situation is a little different. Often it comes down to differentiating between quanity & quality of life. Personally, I wouldn't want trained professionals or family members tending to me if I was deteriorating rapidly & was simply existing instead of living. I don't refer to this as pride whatsoever. I call this being in control of my own end of life decisions & I would expect my family to honor the decisions I have made. When I can no longer take care of myself, then I'm pretty much done. I'm not going to die in a nursing home or a hospital. I want to die in my recliner by the fireplace with my dog in my lap & a glass of single malt scotch on the end table. I feel for you & your wife and know how difficult these situations can be. Wishing you all the best!
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I call this being in control of my own end of life decisions & I would expect my family to honor the decisions I have made
Maybe that is what you call it....But when you refuse any help and tell everyone you are OK and cant even make yourself a sandwich, well then all you are doing is forcing those who love you to stand by and watch you slowly die.

Let me ask you, would you prefer I just watch you stumble into the kitchen, fumble with the knife, fall over as you reach into the fridge for the sandwich meat and then not be able to get up after falling? Would you prefer I (or your kids) just stand by and watch this? Is this you "being in control?"

Do you think it helps the family anymore if you tell them that this is your choice and to leave you alone and then maybe some family member finds you decaying in that recliner after not being able to reach you for a week? Or worse, dead on the floor in front of the fridge because you couldnt ask someone to fix you something to eat? And your excuse is "I dont want to be a bother to anyone"

I am with you...I dont want ANYONE to have to take care of me either but being in control of your own decisions and then those decisions having a negative impact on the people around you that love you....Well, that, to me, is ALL about pride!

Just to add.... I am not attacking anyone or their choices... I just wish people would pay attention to how "their" choices and "their" decisions can create EXACTLY what you are resisting...

Thank you all for the kind words and prayers.
 
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