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Do you know who I think I am???
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1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a b!tch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like ******* for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.
 

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I remember one my Grandfather once told me....'Boy, money can't buy you happiness, but it can dam well buy you some 'MEOW'. Why he told me this when I was 10 years old I'll never know....when I turned 16 they were giving it away for free.
 

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El Viejo
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It seems to me that there are a whole lots more horse's arses in this world than there are horses..
 

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Roll Tide!
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15,791 Posts
Claiming holiness because you go to church is like standing in a Porche showroom and claiming you're a sports car.
 

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298 Posts

House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
 

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322 Posts
:cop:#31 will have to be revised as it is a two liner, hhhmmmm, maybe another thread:biggrin:
but the others are cool !!!
pease out!
 

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I potlick so i can drink
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592 Posts
my grandpa had a couple
on cursing
"There are many ways to get your point across, Some work a hell a lot better"
on psychology
"If everyone can be labeled in a book why we have so many psychologists"
best one
"If you have any doubt that pu$$y is involved, IT is"
 

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263 Posts
1. "Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get in my own pants".

2. "I bet you I could stop gambling".
 
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