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Miscellaneous Humor - G & PG Jokes about anything

175651 Views 1221 Replies 241 Participants Last post by  stxwaterfowler
Got this from another board and thought it was funny.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife. "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it's started."
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raisin bread

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder, he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"

"No," croaks the old man...."But it's starting to twitch."
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"Sweet Jesus, help me!"

A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it.

Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-b**ch," he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-b**ch", he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset,something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me!'".

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped.

He started to say "So...", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me!" At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.

The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-b**ch!"
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Hillary is being driven around Washington D.C. and spots a little boy
sitting in a park with a wagon. She thinks, "this is a great press
opportunity" so she has her driver pull over.
She gets out to talk to the little boy and discovers that he has 6 little
puppies in the wagon. She comments on how nice they are and the little boy says Thank you ma'm, they're Democrats!"
Of course Hillary is extremely pleased by this.
A few days later, Bill decides to take one of his jogs down to McDonalds, which is close to the park, and Hillary mentions that if he should see a little boy with a wagon he should stop and talk to him.
Well, Bill sees the little boy with his wagon and puppies so he tells the
little boy, "what nice puppies those are!"
The boy says, "Thank you sir. They're Republicans!"
Wait a minute," says Bill, "You told Hillary that they were Democrats."
The boy responds, "Yes sir, they were, but now their eyes are open!"
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Scotish Humor

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said... "I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"
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Eighth Amendment Loss

Kinko's Copying Error Erases Eighth Amendment

A power surge in Washington, D.C. caused equipment failure at a copy center which irreparably damaged part of the United States Constitution, according to a press release by the Library of Congress.

"Like many government agencies, we have been trying to make do with tighter budgets," said James Billington, Librarian of Congress. "Part of these cost-saving efforts involved the use of private contractors to handle some of the routine photocopying work. Unfortunately, in this instance the decision to use an outside contractor proved costly."

The Library of Congress, it was revealed, has been clandestinely using Kinko's Copy Center to handle much of its document reproduction and preservation.

"They're open 24 hours a day," lamented Billington, "and their prices were oh so reasonable."

Apparently, earlier this year the Library sent the original U.S. Constitution to Kinko's for cleaning and photocopying. While the document was being copied, a power surge caused the photocopier feed to lock, resulting in damage to the Constitution. The damage caused the eighth amendment to be completely destroyed.

"Have you ever seen the gears inside a copier? They're pretty sharp," said Kinko's spokesperson Gary Klein. "We're lucky we got the original out at all."

The loss is particularly problematic because there are no other records of the eighth amendment, and apparently no one in Washington remembers what it was about.

"Well most people don't look much past the first and second amendments," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "Personally I think if it was important, the Founding Fathers should have included it in the Constitution proper instead of as something tacked on the end. Besides, whatever the eighth amendment was about is probably no longer relevant - it's two hundred years old. I bet it was something about whisky tax or something."

The Library of Congress initially tried to quietly create a facsimile of the Constitution and restore the missing amendment, but quickly discovered that American textbooks on history and government have not included complete copies of the Constitution since 1962.

"Who reads all that stuff anyway?" said Chris Goodstein, professor of public policy at the University of Virginia. "Lawyers? Politicians? Please. Today's government officials are too important to worry about hacking their way through centuries-old legalese."

President Bush expressed hope that the loss of the eighth amendment would leave an opening for a new one in its place.

"No sense renumbering all the later amendments," he said during a press conference. "We can just stick something in there about America being a Christian nation, or make English the official language or something. I really think that this accidental loss will actually help America change in ways never thought possible."

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Why are we still there?


Every day there are news reports about more deaths.

Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force,
but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Many of our children go there and never come back.

Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have loopy

Many of their people are uncivilized.

Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, from which
we are supposed to bail them out.

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do
not understand.

Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to
ordinary Americans.

We can't even secure the borders.

Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost
billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford.

It is becoming clear...

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Cowboy Boots

Cowboy Boots

There was an Oklahoma teacher who was helping
one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy
boots. He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second
boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure
enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to
keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots
back on - this time on the right feet. He then
announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face
and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted
to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're
my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But,
she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are
your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of
my boots."

Her trial starts next month
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Food for thought

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

"It was great, Dad!."

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh yeah," said the son.

"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

"We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.

"We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.

"Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon!

"We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.

"We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.

"We buy our food, but they grow theirs.

"We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

The boy's father was speechless!

Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."
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a few stories

While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

=== The Mood Ring ===

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

=== The Water Pistol ===

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for thenearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

=== Half Price ===

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

=== Life After Death ===

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
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A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in
> > journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to
> > write a human interest story.
> >
> > Being from Arkansas, he decided to go into the back country to do his
> > research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills,
> > introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he
> > was there.
> >
> > The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made
> > you happy?"
> >
> > The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my
> > neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all
> > had our way with it and took it back home."
> >
> > "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
> > anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people
> > happy?"
> >
> > After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's
> > wife, a good looking woman, got lost. We formed a big posse that time
> > and found her. After we all had our way with her, we took her back home."
> >
> > Again, the young man said, "I can't print that either. OK then, how
> > about this? Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
> >
> > The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed. After a few
> > seconds, he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost
> > once."
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Fly detective

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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Semper Fi

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there is no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him *** over tea-cups from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent me!"
One Nation Under God

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Smart woman

It's a wife's job to listen to her husband.

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife.

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket; the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her; she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie.

I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
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The Limo Driver

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo

(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 105.

"So bust him," said the Chief

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver."

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Irish Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of
each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar
and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw
it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is
in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When
we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on
your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great
loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in
his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've
just quit drinking."
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Smart man!!

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the
house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,
"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home
after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the
hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants
off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover = $100.00.
Broken furniture = $200.00.
Breakfast = $10.00.
Saying the right thing = priceless.
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Never ease drop on people

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy, as several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew just what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here, quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid. Can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"

When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

Then they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now, let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike!
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Chicken Soup For The Beer Drinker


"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is! better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry


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"Our mistress"

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.

"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband. She replies, "Ours is prettier."
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