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golf is a lifetime sport

These two old men, 92 and 93, were getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a funeral procession was going by. The older gent took his hat off and placed it over his heart while bowing his head. The other guy told him, "Hurry it up man, let's play."

The elder gent said, "let's wait a few minutes and then we'll start, that's my wife."

This archive is for G and PG rated humor on topics like fishing, hunting, camping, golf, football, and so forth. Jokes posted on the main forum will be archived after 30 days.

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Pet Fish

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with
two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim
'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here
ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de
truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" Said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

Billystix and the Pendulum Cast

Dear Mr. McDaniel,
I regret to inform you that I find it necessary to return my recently purchased Billystix spiral rod, and subsequently am requesting a full refund. I must stress that while I have discovered no problem with workmanship or material (which are superb), nor have I found the product in lack of advertised performance in qualified hands, I must take exception to the ability of just any fisherman to improve his casting and fishing performance using your products.

To wit, using the "Stix-Stinger Surf Spiral", upon which was professionally mounted an Accurate Boss Magnum TwinDragâ„¢ 270 reel, loaded with 15# monofilament, tipped with 50# fluorocarbon and terminated with a new pulley rig, finally affixed with a 4 oz. weight and #10 circle hook, and laced with a fresh dead shrimp (for realistic effect) I went to a local, but rarely used, private airport to practice. I must strongly suggest at this point that you take heed and affix, in a prominent and strategic area on your rods, a warning that your products should only be used by experts and professionals, and that all amateurs and shore-fishing wannabe's must be properly supervised prior to being unleashed on the unsuspecting public! A license should be required to own and operate your products in a public place!

But, I'm getting ahead of myself - back to the story at hand and the purpose of my letter. Having read your warnings on your website concerning several hundred yards of clearance, I proceeded onto the currently empty airfield to practice the 'Pendulum Cast' as described in Lesson #3. I guess I should not have turned off the graphics on my web browser, otherwise I wouldn't have hauled my $5,600 grandfather clock onto the runway. The best cast, with a full windup on the clock, with the pendulum arc set to maximum, was a paltry 3' 7". To say that I was disappointed would be a major understatement! Assuming that something was terribly amiss, I loaded everything back up and headed to the house to review your website to see what I might have missed . On the way home I passed by Academy and picked up your brand new "Billycast" video. After viewing your video I sheepishly wheeled the grandfather clock back into the living room, mumbling something to the wife about having taken it to be repaired at the clock shop.

Returning to the airport with a new appreciation for the finer points of the pendulum cast technique (I really wish you would change the name of this cast to something not so confusing to the uninitiated,) I proceeded to assume the proper stance to begin the cast.

I think that it was very unwise for the military's Delta Force to schedule an exercise in an urban area without warning local residents beforehand - more on that later.

I began with the fully rigged setup, including the fresh dead shrimp (which I had to replenish by now,) practicing the backswing. Did I already mention that seldom used airfields are favorite hunting grounds of the Peregrine Falcon? Apparently the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Department are acutely aware, as I now am. I report to the federal magistrate for my court appearance in two months. I never knew that fresh dead shrimp were part of the Peregrine's diet! After signing the citation and donating my 2 pounds of shrimp for the falcon's recuperative stay (luckily, I had the foresight to file the barbs off of my practice hooks,) I continued my practice. It took a while for me to get this pivot thing down correctly.

It is no fault of Billystix that I am not athletically endowed, nor inclined to ballet, so I won't hold your company accountable for the rear windshield, with the integral antennae and defroster elements. Leaving the weight embedded in the windshield, I proceeded to walk away, allowing the line to free spool off the reel. At the end of the line I moved an additional 50 yards from the vehicle. I retrieved the line and terminal gear, laid the rod down and walked the 350 some-odd yards back to the car. I then got into it and drove over behind a hangar about 600 yards further away (a most fortuitous action, as you will see.)

With the 950+ yards of free space all around me, I proceeded with my practice session. It should be noted at this point that use of a properly constructed helmet with face cage is recommended for rank amateurs, or at least padded weights without the holding wires. However, with all the other injuries I was soon to sustain, the puncture wounds pail in comparison, and the scars won't be that noticeable. After a quick trip back to Academy for a fencing helmet and associated padded uniform I was ready to go with Step #2 of the pendulum cast.

Realizing my inadequacies in the area of coordination I opted to try for short lobs. Having used the highly touted Rocket lube and aftermarket Teflon impregnated bearings in the reel, I continued to get massive bird's nests with the 15# mono. Against all sage advice to the contrary, I chose to reload the reel (for the 7th time of the day, I might add) with one of those new super-braids, about 20# test, I vaguely recall. This, unfortunately as we will see, totally eliminated my backlash problem. My first full power cast nearly spooled the reel - EUREKA! - success at last, I thought. Until I noticed that the line was curiously and rapidly piling up around my ankles.

You can't begin to imagine the velocity that can be obtained by a ballistically friendly lead shape returning to Earth straight down from about 290 yards of elevation. At my mid-to-late 40s age, the ability to rapidly focus on an incoming target at that velocity, straight out of the high-noon sun, leaves something to be desired. Also, when you have on a Kevlar helmet, it's not a wise thing to cross your arms over your head to provide additional, but highly ineffectual, protection. Two and a half hours later, after having the blood drained from the massive hematoma on my right arm, I returned to continue doing battle (little did I know!).

Having now temporarily leased an unused high-bay hangar for my launch point, I aggressively re-engaged the lessons. After 20 or so casts I was finally able to remove the earplugs, put in place to somewhat mollify the constant ear ringing caused by high velocity lead bouncing off the bare aluminum ceiling of the hangar. I n almost no time I was able to consistently cross a 100 foot wide strip of tape laid out 75 feet from the front of the hangar.

It was beginning to be sunset, and with the sun behind the launch hangar, I decided to mount one of those Redeye lights to the tip of the rod to enable monitoring of my backswing. As I continued practice I realized that I no longer needed to focus on the backswing, but on the terminal gear. Ergo, I elected to attach ol' Redeye to the casting weight - a most unfortunate decision, as it turned out (remember Delta Force?)

By now, I was achieving 100 yards in casting distance consistently, and had improved my aim enough to shorten up my target tape to 50 feet wide. It was now time to put it all together and perform a full windup pendulum cast. I would be remiss at this point to fail to mention that I also suffer from vertigo. Rapid pivoting about a single spot induces severe disorientation for me. It was also at this precise time that Delta Force decided to make their unannounced entry to the airstrip. Of course, being just after sunset they were using their FLIR (forward looking infra-red radar) to navigate. Just guess what was arcing through the air across the runway that now held the FLIR's unyielding attention...
Myself, being temporarily discombobulated by the rapid pirouetting pivot, punch and pull maneuver, was facing the opposite direction of the cast, and had inadvertently slipped my wrist between the braided line and the rod in front of the reel.

Simultaneously, the FLIR attraction to ol' Redeye caused the flight of Cobra helicopters to dive right into the trajectory of my cast. I can personally attest to the unbelievable strength of these new super-braids, especially in the heaviest weights. As the line became entangled in the main rotor of the lead chopper, with my wrist still firmly positioned as it was, I took an unscheduled flight out of the hangar. While many people profess to seeing their lives flash before their eyes in times of great stress, all I saw was the balance of the flight of 4 other Cobras every time I circled around the tail of the lead chopper. It provided little relief that the 4 other pilots were crossing themselves in a religious manner every time I went by. Eventually, the lead chopper pilot was able to regain control of his craft and land it, right where my car used to be. It didn't aid my condition any that as the main rotor wound down, so did my height above the tail rotor. The super-braid finally contacted the still rapidly whirling tail rotor, becoming entangled in it also, at the same time abruptly changing my plane of travel by 90 degrees. While the fencing helmet and padding probably helped my survival, the acute contact with the ground for the next 15 or 20 revolutions didn't improve my outlook on urban military activities. I still have nightmares of that SLAM-DRAG-WHIP-SLAM-DRAG-WHIP!

Between the upcoming fine for endangering and minimally injuring a Peregrine Falcon, leasing the hangar, cost of the protective equipment, main and tail rotor bearings for a Cobra fast attack helicopter, and being threatened with incarceration for interfering with a major military operation, I can no longer afford to pursue fishing as a relaxing past-time. Besides, my health insurance carrier won't continue my coverage if I don't promise to never pick up a fishing rod again.

Once I am able to bend all joints again, I will be packaging up your rod for return to you. I apologize for the scratches and dings to its surface, but I do not feel responsible, as the Delta Force operation was not conducted with full knowledge of local authorities.

You have an excellent product, but appropriate warning should accompany all deliveries.
Ivan T. Fish

The Fishing Blondes

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde,"we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

TTMB Wives, Sound Familiar?

Two TTMB guys were talking about fishing. One says to the other, "I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!"

"That bad, huh?"

"She did everything wrong! She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures and WORST OF ALL, she caught more fish than me!"

Polish Fish

The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources decided to create the ultimate fish. They wanted a fish the size of a coho salmon, with the taste of a walleye and the fight of a muskie.

Years of work in the lab finally resulted in just such a fish... called a co-wall-ski.

only one problem, it couldn't swim.

· Registered
239 Posts
How to catch a Polar Bear.

First step: Make a large hole in the ice........Second step: Place fresh fillets of Cod around the hole...........Third Step: When the Polar Bear comes around and starts to smell the fillets, sneak up behind him and Kick him in the 'ICEHOLE'..............OK, I'm bored.

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12 Posts
The Pope's tour of Texas

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Isle in his Pope mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic commotion just off shore.

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came
racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while **** Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked **** "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," **** replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."

"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing................how's the
bait holding up?"

Tourist and Beachcomber

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "They ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

· Registered
6,689 Posts
Blind Walmart clerk


A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes
over to the register. There is a Walmart associate standing there
with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me, Sir ... can you tell me anything about this rod
and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I
can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that
it makes.

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb.
test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00.

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so
I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get
her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes
that there is no way
he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was
the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $2000, the duck call is
$3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for
shopping Walmart."


· Just an old ?
6,767 Posts
The Cajun and The Game Warden

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish leaving a bayou well known for its good fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet

"Pet fish?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let
dem swim 'round for a while.. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,

"Well, what?" said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"
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Anyone You Know?

The Pessimist and the Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't even swim."

Fishing with 2 Lines

There are two kinds of fishermen.
~Those that fish for sport and those that catch something.~

Give your husband a fish and you can feed him for a day.
~Encourage him take up fishing for a hobby and you can get rid of him for the weekend!~

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
~Teach him how to fish and he'll wear an ugly hat and have a beerbelly.~

My wife said to me that if I go fishing once more she, will leave me.
~God, I will miss her!~

Darrell: "Can I have a bucket of bait for my wife?"
~Bait Shop Owner: "Sorry sir we don't do trades."~

Where do you find a crab with no legs?
~Exactly where you left it.~

What do you call a deaf fishing boat captain?
~Anything you like. He cannot hear you.~

What side of a fish has the most scales?
~The outside~

"Mommy why can't I go swimming in the sea?"
"Because there are sharks in the sea."
"But Mommy, Daddy is swimming in the sea."
~"That's different he is insured."~

Where do you find most of the fish ?
~Between the head & the tail.~

Woman who can cook, clean, wash, and make sweet love.
Must have own boat.
~If interested, post a photo of the boat on TTMB classified.~

Alaskan Bear Advisory

Alaska's Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be observant when hiking in bear country. They advise that outdoor enthusiasts should wear bells on their clothing to alert the bears of their presence and carry pepper spray for self defense.
The Department also recommends watching out for fresh signs of bear activity, and learning the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung:
Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells strongly of pepper.

Grumpy Old Cat Fisherman

A grumpy old guy walks into Catfish's shop and immediately starts complaining about everything he can think of. He tells Catfish how high his prices are and how poor the bait selection is.

After a minute of enduring his complaints, Catfish interrupts him and surprisingly says, "I wish I had 10 customers just like you."

Confused, the old man asks, "What? Every time I come in here I complain and am never satisfied with your service or goods."

Catfish says, "I know and I wish I had 10 customers just like you, instead of 100.


Church Instead of Fishing?

One recent Sunday, a young TTMBer arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

Badhabit's Fish

Badhabit told Walkin' Jack, "I caught a six pound trout last week."

:walkingsm asked, "Were there any witnesses?"

Darrell replied, "There sure were. If there hadn't been, it would have been at least eight pounds!" :D

The Castaway

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. 'It's certainly not a ship,' he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag and says,"Man oh man! Is that ever good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!'"

At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs own the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes the guy falls to his knees and says." Oh sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
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