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mountain man

51 years ago, Herman James, a mountain man was drafted by the army. On his first day of basic training, the army issued him a comb. That afternoon they sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the dentist yanked 7 of his teeth. On the third day, the army issued Herman a jock strap. They have been looking for poor Herman ever since. LOL
 
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Selling Whiskey

A Texas Aggie was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.

"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury box and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"
 

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Another Blonde Joke

I was sitting in the theater waiting through the previews when the main feature was about to start. This blonde sitting mid-way down stands up and starts for aisle, as I rose I ask where she was going. She said the message on the screen said to turn off your cell phone, and I left mine in my car.
 

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MOD V Slave
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447 Posts
Three-Legged Race

Three-Legged Race

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."
 

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Tiny is Gone... Hi, My Name is ROGER
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5,885 Posts
Boudreaux the Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a Louisiana mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Boudreaux the mortician asks
the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that
the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Boudreaux a
blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, just have my husband in a
blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the
suit fits him perfectly. She says to Boudreaux, "Whatever the suit cost,
I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How
much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, Boudreaux presents her with the blank check.
"Dere's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!"
shesays. "Honestly, ma'am," Boudreaux says, "it didn't cost me a ting.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in
shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue
suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a
black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he
looked nice."

"So, I just switched the heads."




I hope ya'll enjoyed and needed this as much as I did...Tiny
 

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quick thinking

Quick thinking on his feet...



A game warden was driving down the road when he came
upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and
asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying
under your arm."
The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a
turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey
season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to
you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his
wing, I'll break your arm.
Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are
you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ***
and let him go!
 

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MOD V Slave
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447 Posts
Great Moments of Forgotten Texas History

March 6, 1836

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. Col. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already.

As the three gazed at the hordes of (people) moving steadily towards them, Davy turned to Bowie with a
puzzled look on his face and asked, "Jim...are we landscaping today?"



 

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Arkansas

GOT TO LOVE ARKANSAS

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
How can you tell if an Arkansas ******* is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas ........ Documentaries.
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"and the driver replies " 'Bout wut?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books - poof! up in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas . When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya? "No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania " The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania ?" "I'm a taxidermist," said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man says,"I mount animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
 

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Forget ********, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas...

If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas.

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph-you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Texas.

If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Texas.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Texas friends & others, you definitely live in Texas.
 

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Can't be what you ain't.
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8,451 Posts
STAY!!!
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Local Shopping Centre and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.





She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.


I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'

'Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car,
a pretty blonde young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,

 

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586 Posts
Another blonde joke

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
The table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
Her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
Nice cup of tea, and then ." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... . ...

(scroll down)

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
 
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