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· Ice tea and beans
4,452 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Tongue tied.....

Joe took his, knock-down gorgeous, blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy.


· Registered
26,822 Posts

ka: How Diane got rear ended!

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."


Blonde Puzzle

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-five's, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity sny longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the framed puzzle pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but did it in 51 days!"

· Registered
93 Posts
Man walks into a bar and orders a beer then asks the bartender "You want to hear a great blonde joke?"

Bartender turns around "Mister I'm 280 lbs. all muscle and blonde. You sure you want to tell this joke? My friend here is 250 trained in martial arts and blonde. You sure you want to tell this joke? My other friend there is 300 lbs. mean as a pitbull, and blonde. You sure you want to tell this joke?

The man looks around that the three and thinks for a moment. "Yeah, your probably right, I wouldn't want to have to explain it 3 times!"

This archive is for G and PG rated humor about stupidity and people who do dumb things. Jokes posted on the main forum will be archived after 30 days.

Please do not post any pictures or active links in this thread.

· Crabby Old Man
14,724 Posts
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting in back of their trailers shooting

the breeze. Bou ask Thib, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz

out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat

make us kin?"

Thib scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so.....but

it shore would make us even!"


· Just an old ?
6,767 Posts

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger, pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She then pushes her knee and screams, and pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."


· Registered
5 Posts

Every Hour a Blonde would walk out and check her mail. Finally her neighbor couldn't help but ask "Why do you check your e-mail EVERY hour?!" "Well," replied the blonde " My stupid computer keeps on saying 'You've got mail!'!" -Allicat41, if you read this its me Rachel!:bluefish: :bluefish: :dance: :fish: :walkingsm :an4:

· Just Happy to Be Here!
4,093 Posts
The Porch (Blonde)

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a
"handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She
went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my
porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly
responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and
everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the
conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all
the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're
right. I guess I'm starting to
believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied,
"and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man
reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to
And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Ice-fishing Blonde

A blonde wanted to go ice-fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen body of water. After positioning her comfy foot-stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Who are you --- God?"

The voice replied, "NO, I OWN THE ICE-RINK!"

· Registered
11 Posts
D. Blonde # 479

Guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins watching the news. Everyone is watching with rapt attention since the camera shows a man on a building ledge about 30 stories up about to jump. The police are frantically trying to talk him down.

The guy says to the female blonde barkeep, "I bet he jumps" She says, "NO, I don't believe he will" Guy, peeling off a $20 bill, lays it on the counter, says "OK, cover that!" She immediately does so with her $20 bill.

In about 1 minute, the guy on the ledge does a swan dive into eternity. The
guy at the bar, picking up the money says, "I feel bad about taking your money because I saw the news at 5:00 PM and knew he would jump." The Blonde said, "Yes, I saw that too but I didn't think he would do it again!"

· Registered
11 Posts
A tall blonde, blue eyed highway patrol officer was crusing along I-10 when a red convertable passed going 80+. Quickly giving chase, the officer pulled over the red convertable and saw it was being driven by a young, beauiful blonde driver.

The officer said, let me see your drivers license. The driver got her purse and dug through it, then repeated the procedure. She finally said, I forgot, what did you want to see?

The officer said, that little thingie that has your picture on it! The driver looks again, finds a compact with a mirror. She opens it and sees her face, so she hands it to the
Officer. The officer looks for a long moment, then said, If you had told me you were a Highway Patrol Officer, we wouldn't have to have gone through all this!

· Senior Member
5,815 Posts
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting on the porch shooting da breeze.

Thibodeaux asked Boudreaux, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"

Boudreaux scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't tink so...but it shore would make us even!"

· Registered
16,940 Posts
Never Choke in the South

Never Choke in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a
shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly,a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so,it becomes apparent that
she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says
"Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head
"No". Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd
heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

· Premium Member
39,915 Posts
Blonde Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Hillbilly Dayvorce - WARNING - Politically Incorrect

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"

The farmer said, "I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres."

The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on

The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere."

The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the
John Deere."

The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"

The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."

The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"

The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was
a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."

· Registered
259 Posts
Blonde cop

I hope this is not already on here.

There was this blonde lady driving down the highway really fast. A cop that just happened to be another blond lady pulled her over and walked up to the car.

cop: " Could I see your drivers license please?"

driver: "I'm not sure what that is. What does it look like?"

cop: " It is plastic and has your picture on the front of it."

The lady starts looking through her purse and finds a compact. She opens it up and sees herself.

driver: " Officer, I think this is it."

The officer looks at the compact and then leans down and says

cop: " Why didn't you tell me you were a cop? I would have let you go a few minutes ago."

Blonde Intelligence

A blonde found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

· Crabby Old Man
14,724 Posts
Blonde....need I say more

Football analysis by a blonde...

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great
seats right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!" Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!

· Registered
16,940 Posts
The Saints

Boudreaux died and was on his way down to Hell. In anticipation, the Devil turned up the thermostat to make it extra warm for Boudreaux. When Boudreaux arrived, the Devil asked, "Hey Boudreaux, how do you like the heat down here?"
Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's just fine. It reminds me of Bayou PonPon in July."
That made the Devil mad. That night, he turned the thermostat up all the way it could go. Man it was hot! When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "NOW how do you like it down here?"
Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's fine. It reminds me of August on Bayou Lafourche."
As you might expect, that made the Devil all the more mad. Well, that night, he turned the thermostat down all the way it could go! The whole place frosted over. Icicles started forming from the rafters. When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "How you like it NOW, Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux, shivering, through blue lips, says, "Mais cher, I'm one happy Cajun!"
The Devil was infuriated! He yelled, "What do you mean you're one happy Cajun?!!"
Boudreaux, still shivering says, "The Saints done won the Superbowl!"
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