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Actual letter of resignation

1511 Views 2 Replies 2 Participants Last post by  -JAW-
Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA,
to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations.

Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that
ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and
annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of
our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic
wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not
only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired
because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently
hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you
vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the
hundredth time

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand
why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even
though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an
IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in
others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have
worked for your interview, but now that you actually have
responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent
will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial
evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and
laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a
full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation,
however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for
you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is
"I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over
the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be
unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to
get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I
conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do
believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by
the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
Mothers birthday", you neglected to mention that you were going to take
nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then you forgot to erase them
like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never
seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have
been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing
letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate
having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my
desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your
little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never
**** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do
with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day Cecelia
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I have always liked this work week


8:05 A.M. User called to say he forgot password. Told him to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, thanks me and hangs up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

8:12 A.M. Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer ...

8:14 A.M. User from 8:05 call said, he received error message, Error Accessing Drive 0. Told him it was an OS problem. Transferred to microsupport.

11:00 A.M. Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in, so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The Myst and Doom nationals are this weekend!

11:34 A.M. Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Wants ACL changed on HR performance review database, so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell her no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 P.M. Lunch

3:30 P.M. Return from lunch.

3:55 P.M. Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.

4:23 P.M. Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask him what chip set he's using. Tell him to call back when he finds out.

4:55 P.M. Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro, so next shift has something to do.Tuesday

8:30 A.M. Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 A.M. Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database! I yell, as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35 P.M. The A.M. leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell him, he needs form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Says he never heard of such a form. Tell him, it's in the Special Forms database. Says, he never heard of such a database. Transfer him to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00 A.M. Perky-sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her, ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's Reengineering for Customer Partnership, I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 A.M. Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.

1:00 P.M. Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 P.M. Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell, Omigod -- Fire!

1:15 P.M. Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace, using gaks.

1:20 P.M. Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for Notice Loads or NoLoad Goats, she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably Lettuce Nodes. Maybe the food distributor, with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.

2:00 P.M. Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the air vents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 P.M. Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.Wednesday

8:30 A.M. Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them, of course, they should have been checking Bitset, not chipset. Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10 A.M. Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00 A.M. meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material ...

10:00 A.M. Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me.

Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser and Tums.

10:30 A.M. Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 A.M. Lunch.

4:55 P.M. Return from lunch.

5:00 P.M. Shift change. Going home.Thursday

8:00 A.M. New guy (Marvin) started today. "Nice plaids," I offer. Show him Server room, wiring closet and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.

8:45 A.M. New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 A.M. Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. Nice plaids, Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 A.M. Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves. (Always have backups). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!

11:55 A.M. Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01:

Whereas all new employees beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide substance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift.

Marvin doubts. I point to Corporate Policy database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's doubl pepperoni and no peppers," I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.

1:00 P.M. Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy ... 4:30 P.M.[/B] Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 P.M. Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button ...). See ya tomorrow.Friday

8:00 A.M. Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 A.M. Marvin still not here. Decide, I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 A.M. Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call telecommunications.

9:30 A.M. Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

10:17 A.M. Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 A.M. E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20 A.M. Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 A.M. Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 A.M. Support manager stops by, to say Marvin called in to quit. So hard to get good help, I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. No problem!

11:30 A.M. Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff, I tell him.

12:00 A.M. Lunch.

1:00 P.M. Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL, to make them fast.

1:03 P.M. Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 P.M. Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 P.M. appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39 P.M. New user calls. Says, want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell him to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says, PC rebooted. Tell him to call microsupport.

2:50 P.M. Support manager calls, to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says, he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 P.M. Another (novice) user calls. Says, periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:00 P.M. Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also, set point size to 2 in help databases.

4:30 P.M. User calls to say he can't see anything in documents. Tell him to go to view, do an Edit -- Select All, hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send him document addendum which says so.

4:45 P.M. Another user calls. Says she can't read help documents. Tell her I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 P.M. Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.

5:00 P.M. Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend. Cheers.
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Bobby and Bill, How about posting these on the Joke Forum?

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